Standing on the balcony gazing at the horizon, a sense of calmness envelopes me. I wish it could be like that every single day but the reality is that it was not meant to be. Letting my mind drift brings back dark memories that set off uncontrolled emotional responses. The motivation is there, but finding the inspiration has been elusive.
Time Does Not Exist in Darkness
In the past several months, I have shattered the concept of sleep and wake cycle. As a result, time became both precious and irrelevant. It feels as if I am living on both borrowed and infinite time. Sunrise or sunset, it does not matter for I might as well be a speck of dust in a vast sea of colors and space.
Each one of us has our own things to do. For one thing, I need to sit down and write for this blog and my clients. What do you do when you sit on your task and let your mind drift elsewhere? I felt the cool morning breeze on my face as I stared at the city skyline. Instead of seeing a clear blue sky, I lingered on the dark smog covering the city.
I would love to hear the beautiful sounds of birds chirping, and the harmonic sounds of waves. But all I hear are the noises of the chaotic streets below. From my vantage point, I see a city covered by darkness, but none as dark as my thoughts. Little by little, the once bright light in my soul fades to obscurity.
I see nothing if I close my eyes, but what if I open them to see the same nothingness? Once upon a time, seeing nothing had been a relief or an escape from dark memories. It was a choice between nothing and emptiness, or remembering and feeling the sorrow. So, the only thing that matters is not to feel anything, because everything else is nothing but pain.
A Spark in the Empty Void
Like anyone else, I would like to feel loved, valued, and appreciated. But in the solitude of darkness, the desire to feel needed, important and wanted, faded away. In the absence of the desire driven by primal instincts, there is a sense of calmness. At times, I have to wonder, is there a line between insanity and that of a meditative state?
Everything in the world, when you break it down to its molecular level, looks like the solar system. Could it be true that the origin of the universe started from nothing? It is plausible to think that there must have been a catalyst that started a chain of events leading to the birth of the universe. Is it also possible that there exists a spark that brings light to the void I live in and end the dark memories?
One early morning, I stood in the darkness of the roof deck and waited for the sun to rise. At daybreak, the dark sky started to turn blue. From nothing to something, was that how the universe was born? Is that nature’s way of telling me that life may in limbo today, but there is plenty more to life?
Speaking of life, I wonder if it is possible for me to lose myself in the dark void if I stay there long enough. For when that happens, then I will never know the meaning of life. Not that it matters, for where I am, nothing matters anymore. I would like to think of myself in a meditative state of consciousness, but what if I have lost my sanity?
Ending the Dark Memories with a Spark of Life
I could stay in the vast ocean of emptiness and I will never have to revisit the dark memories in my mind. But like all the evils that exist in the world, these memories remain. And if I were to remain alone in the dark, then what kind of life have I lived? But then again, it is not right to live the life others want it to be, or is it?
Before living in the dark, I thought that was a miserable way to live. But I did, and the only reason I was able to do that was to embrace and accept it. I know I did because I felt the calm or else I would have been in a whirlpool of hatred. And having done so, I finally figured out where the spark is.
As I looked at the city, there must be people celebrating while others are drowning in despair. In hospitals, new parents celebrate their newborn while others grieve for their departed ones. If there is light, then there is darkness. If there is nothing else, then there must be something more.
From nothingness, hope is born and continues to be reborn. From where I am, hope became the catalyst that lit of the light for me to find my way. Hope is the reason that on the day I die, the last thought in my mind would be the people I care for. To have someone to think about on my last breath on earth, isn’t that all the inspiration I need?